


From My Tears Sprung Flowers

by rosexwald



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Prompt Fic, Recovery, Sexual Content, Tsukikana, Tsukikana Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-12 07:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4470398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosexwald/pseuds/rosexwald
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Many blooming flowers spring forth from my tears, and my sighing becomes joined with the chorus of the nightingales."</i>
</p><p>--- </p><p>Written for Tsukikana Week prompts.</p><p>Placed in current :re timeline. Kanae helps his master recover from his depression, as Tsukiyama is keen on bringing Kaneki's memories back. The time they spent together as Kanae cares for his master's health, results in many troubled thoughts and doubts on both ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Duftwolke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 1 ❈ Reminiscing ❈

Kanae has been crossing days off in his calendar for a while now. He had everything planned, and he was so excited, that every evening when he could cross off another passing day, he couldn’t help but smile to himself. He was nervous too, will master Shuu like it? Will everything go as he planned? Won’t master Shuu think he is being silly? Kanae really wanted this to be special, it was very important to him.

After all, he couldn’t imagine how his life would look like if not for master Shuu.

His master was feeling so much better recently. Of course, it wasn’t due to anything Kanae has done… The boy really tried to convince himself that this doesn’t matter. The only important things was that master Shuu had more energy, and started eating better, and even gained weight again, and smiled, and wanted to get up from bed… It was making the young ghoul tremendously happy. But he just wished it wouldn’t also make him feel like those three long years, that he sacrificed doing everything in his might to make Shuu better, were a pointless waste.

Kanae wasn’t proud of thinking like this… It felt wrong and egoistic. But still, three years the boy spent by his master’s side, being with him for good, and bad, and… worse. So many nights he cried endless tears because of how helpless he was, how he couldn’t repay his beloved master for the kindness showed to him as he was a child. He was not enough, he couldn’t fulfill his master’s heart.

It just took one picture of Haise Sasaki to bring Shuu back to life.

It took three years of Kanae’s life to learn that sometimes love is too much, and then other times, it’s not enough. But his young heart was too fragile and naive for such tough lesson.

Besides, he didn’t want this selfish thinking to go in the way of his surprise. And so, he chased the thoughts away, and smiled as he crossed the last day in the calendar. Tomorrow was supposed to be special.

 

* * *

 

First thing in the morning, before anyone else in the mansion has woken up, Kanae put on his servant uniform in rush, and in dance-like step, arms full of blankets and pillows, he pranced down the stairs, and through the wide patio door, he went outside. The morning air was still cool, but it was supposed to be a warm day, and besides, the greenhouse was always warm anyway.

Every time the boy would come in there, he was being left speechless. It was such a beautiful place, and even seeing it so many times already, it never lost the charm. If possible, perhaps it was even more beautiful and breathtaking… a true forest of roses. This time too, even though he was in hurry, Kanae took time to admire, leaning against the glass door as he closed it behind himself.

It will be perfect…

As he put away all the things he carried there, Kanae retrieved a pair of scissors from the pocket of his waistcoat, and picked the most beautiful rose he could find, cutting it off the bush. No matter the state his master was in for the past three years, the boy knew he wouldn’t forget why those roses were so special.

Pressing the flower to his nose, and inhaling it rich, fragrant scent, Kanae left the greenhouse, and crossed the groomed lawns of Tsukiyamas’ garden, returning to the mansion. His feet took him straight to the kitchen, and that was where the rest of the staff found him as the mansion finally awoken. No one questioned it, Kanae was known for going to great extents to please the young master, and especially now, when his efforts stopped being fruitless. Since master Shuu started eating properly again, Kanae would hardly let anyone else but himself handle the task of preparing his meals.

Even though no one mentioned it, everyone still noticed that this morning Kanae seemed to be putting extra effort into the task. They all actually pitied him a little, all this energy and time he had wasted… will the boy never learn that none of it seemed to matter much for the young master? Maybe they admired Kanae’s loyalty a little, but mostly, they pitied him. And Kanae knew that, but he didn’t care. They were just observers, and _he knew_ that deep inside, master Shuu was appreciating everything he has done for him.That was enough of a reward for Kanae. It had to be.

With a tray in his hands, full of utmost delicacies, carefully picked and prepared pieces of meat, fresh and mellow, with a porcelain cup of strong coffee on the side, Kanae climbed the stairs and headed to his master’s bedroom.

He knew it was still too early for master Shuu to be awake, and he didn’t wish to disturb him. Much rest was needed for him to regain his strength, and he seemed to be sleeping better recently, the times of feverish, restless nights has long passed. And so, Kanae didn’t knock, but instead just a quiet click of the door announced his arrival as slipped inside the room, and tiptoed towards the older ghoul’s bed.

Setting the tray on the nightstand, as the final touch, Kanae decorated it with the rose he took from the greenhouse, placing the flower neatly next to the plate. Making sure he was being quiet, as his master was still sound asleep, the boy walked over to the wardrobe and picked him the outfit to wear for the day, a pair of black trousers, red shirt, and black tie. He thought his master looked the most handsome in those colours, but he didn’t want to make him look too gloomy, so he added a waistcoat with floral pattern embroidered in golden thread.

Leaving the clothes folded on a chair for his master to find, Kanae was ready to leave the bedroom, however he couldn’t help it but linger for a moment. Seeing his sleeping master so peaceful, was filling his chest with warmth. He really was happy, no matter his selfish pouting, no matter what or _who_ made master Shuu better, Kanae was happy to see him getting well day by day.

Tsukiyama’s cheeks were significantly more round and rosy again, his handsome face gradually regaining its previous shape as he now ate properly. Kanae couldn’t stop himself, and he reached out with his hand to brush his fingers over his master’s healthy, soft skin. It made him so happy, he could cry, and he wiped a tear or two with the back of his hand as he quietly left the bedroom, letting master Shuu rest as much as he wanted.

 

* * *

 

Not so long after, the smell of fresh coffee woke Shuu up, and he stretched under the covers with a content hum. Sleep was much more relaxing and comforting lately, and so very often these days he was waking up refreshed and well rested. This was one of those days, and the ghoul was even surprised how good he felt, no longer weak and drained, but getting stronger. Well, after all, he wanted to look better and get back to being fit. This was how Kaneki-kun last remembered him, and this was how he intended to bring the memories back to him.

As he sat up, tucking a pillow behind his back, he instantly saw the beautifully prepared breakfast, and his clothes waiting ready, folded neatly on a chair. It brought a smile to his face. Getting better was a lot easier with Kanae’s unfailing assistance, the boy always making sure all his needs were fulfilled. And he knew his taste so well, the food turned out to be delightful, and the clothing chosen to emphasize his best features, and to hide the flaws.

Because, yes, he had flaws. He was seeing it clearly now, after the apathetic haze left his mind gradually, that the three years of nearly starving himself and rotting in bed, took away a lot of charm he once had. Even after gaining some weight and spending more time on fresh air, he still couldn’t get rid of dark circles underneath his eyes. His legs, due to lack of exercise, weren’t as firm and well built, causing him huge distress as he noticed how his knees and hipbones protruded awkwardly. Hands, once delicate and dexterous, hands of a pianist, were now pale and bony, blue veins visible underneath the skin.

But in clothes Kanae picked for him, Tsukiyama had a chance to feel once again like his old self. Black trousers emphasised that even though thinner, his legs were still wonderfully long. The waistcoat made his hips seem a little more curvy, and he was also glad to see it got tighter on him again, thanks to all the delicious treats Kanae was serving him. And well, the dark, rich burgundy shade of his shirt magically brought up the healthy blush that shyly crept onto his cheeks.

Yes, Kanae always seemed to know what is good for him… Tsukiyama thought fondly of the boy as he picked up the rose from his breakfast tray, and smelled it, pressing his nose between delicate, velvety petals. It wasn’t just any rose, it was Duftwolke, Kanae’s favourite. This subtle detail made Shuu’s morning even more pleasant, as he thought how much care his servant was putting into helping him get better. As he tucked the rose into the front pocket of his waistcoat, Shuu made a mental note to vocalize his gratitude properly on the nearest occasion, so the boy would know he’s appreciated.

 

* * *

 

But as much as Tsukiyama wanted to thank Kanae, the boy was, oddly enough, nowhere to be found for most of the day. When he asked Aliza, she said that the boy went to the garden, but as Shuu looked out of the window, he couldn’t spot him anywhere.

Instead, starting with the rose on his breakfast tray, Shuu began finding strange little clues all around the mansion. Wherever he went, he would find a seemingly random item, that would instantly bring back a distant memory, and turn out strangely meaningful. In the bathroom, in the library, in the living room, and music room, everywhere in the mansion, those things didn’t look odd or out of place for anyone else, but Tsukiyama were spotting and recognizing them, as if they were waiting for him.

There was a pair of small leather gloves, child size, and as soon as he saw them, Shuu remembered the day when he took Kanae horseback riding. He must have been eleven or twelve back then.

There was also a small, silver thimble, a gift from Shuu to Kanae. It was when Matsumae tried to teach the boy how to sew, so he could repair his master’s clothes. They just finished reading Brothers Grimm’s ‘Little Briar Rose’, known as the tale of ‘Sleeping Beauty’, and Kanae was convinced that he too can fall asleep for long years, if he pricks his finger with a needle. There was no use trying to explain to the boy that a ghoul can’t possibly hurt himself with a simple needle, but he refused to sew anyway, until Shuu bought him a thimble.

Kanae’s violin was in the music room, and there would be nothing odd about it, but the music sheets were open on this exact melody that Shuu taught him, for them to be able to play duets. Violin itself, was also a gift from Shuu, for Kanae’s first Christmas in Japan.

All those little things scattered around the mansion, successfully caused Shuu to reminisce many wonderful days spent together with Kanae, each of them carrying a memory that made him smile. It was very thoughtful, and definitely put Tsukiyama in good mood, but he still couldn’t understand why would Kanae put them on display like that. Taking the hint that was the Duftwolke rose, he decided to find out what was this all about, and he went to look for Kanae in the only possible place for him to hide, which was the greenhouse.

 

* * *

 

Since discovering peculiar mementos took him over half a day, it was later in the afternoon as Tsukiyama wandered through the garden, expecting to find Kanae in the greenhouse. And he wasn’t mistaken. Just as Shuu opened the glass door and stepped inside, he saw Kanae sitting on a blanket, spread between fragrant rose bushes. Before the boy, there were platters filled with all of Tsukiyama’s favourite snacks: round eyeballs with variety of colourful irises, soft tongues, so fresh that they didn’t even lose their firmness, and countless fingers, so delicate and slender that it made Shuu wonder whether Kanae has slaughtered the whole philharmony. Along with two long candles in silver holders, and a bottle of blood wine, the scenery seemed quite fancy, and almost romantic, but definitely festive.

“Master Shuu…” the boy’s voice was uncertain, but hopeful, “Alles Gute zum Jahrestag. Please, have a sit.”

A pile of soft pillows indicated that this was the spot prepared for Tsukiyama, and so he walked over and slowly sat down, obedient to Kanae’s words, too surprised to protest. Then again, why would he protest? All of this looked amazing, even if Shuu was confused, he still adored this unexpected picnic.

“Anniversary?” he asked quietly, trying to meet Kanae’s gaze as the young ghoul averted his eyes sheepishly, “What… what is the occasion?”

“It’s… um…” Kanae’s blush visibly darkened, and he ran a hand through his hair nervously, “I just wanted to say thank you…” he stumbled upon his words, fingers fumbling with the edge of his sleeve, “Today is… anniversary of when we met. Exactly ten years ago, on this day, you told me not to cry and showed me the forest of roses.” The boy looked up at his master finally, and smiled seeing the rose tucked into Tsukiyama’s pocket.

“Oh… is it ten years already…” Shuu spoke quietly, thoughtfully. Time went by unnoticed for the past years, indeed.

“It is, yes. And I… I know I should thank master Mirumo as well, and I will, but… you…” Swallowing back his embarrassment, Kanae tried to put a sentence together, “You made me smile again. And I always took pride in serving you. Those were very happy ten years for me, and for that, thank you, master Shuu.”

Tsukiyama stared at the young ghoul somehow shocked, feeling his own face warming up with a blush. He would not expect this at all, especially as he knew that for the past three years he was more of a nuisance than a proper master.

“Kanae-kun… that is so kind of you. Look at all of this…” he marveled at the delicious snacks, clearly so meticulously prepared by his young servant, “All of this for me, I… I’m honoured. Happy anniversary, _mon petit_.”

Kanae’s face was probably darker in shade than Shuu’s shirt, as he reached for the bottle of wine and poured some into two glasses. He shouldn’t be drinking on duty, but one glass couldn’t hurt, there was an occasion, after all. “Please, help yourself. It’s dinner time already, you must be hungry.”

Indeed Tsukiyama was having quite an appetite recently, and so he eagerly reached out to try all of the treats. They tasted as good as they looked, he could tell that Kanae picked carefully. His own nose dulled significantly for the past years, and even as his senses were now getting better, it still wasn’t the same. But Kanae grew up to be a picky eater with sophisticated taste, and it made Tsukiyama proud.

As he filled his stomach pleasantly, sipping the thick, warm wine, Shuu started to feel at ease. Since finding out Kaneki is alive, his days were filled with restless thoughts and plans, that were to lead to their reunion. But now, it also felt good to relax and give it a rest. Such a nice day it was, thanks to Kanae, and Shuu cleared his mind a little enjoying those simple pleasures, just like he used to years ago.

Because of all the little clues that Kanae left in the mansion, many wonderful memories came to Tsukiyama’s mind. He found joy in reminiscing days of his youth, sharing the thoughts with Kanae, who was smiling beautifully at each memory that they recalled together. Come to think of it, Shuu hasn’t seen Kanae smiling this much for a long time.

As they went down the memory lane, it astonished both of them how many things they used to do together. As Tsukiyama had quite an absorbing personality, and Kanae used to be a lonely child, no wonder that after their paired up, they became nearly inseparable.

The evening came before they noticed, causing the greenhouse to drown in darkness that two lit candles tried to chase away, caressing the two ghouls with their golden, dim light. The atmosphere was wonderful, only stoked up by alcohol in their veins, that caused a slight slur to stain their voices, and bright red blushes to bloom on their cheeks. And above that, it caused them both to laugh. Loudly, melodically, vibrantly, honestly. Neither of them laughed like this in a long time.

But as they talked, and ate, and drank, and talked more, something started to bother Tsukiyama. After a longer while, as the odd feeling nagged him, he finally realized what it was. All of those happy memories had a border line. After Kanae turned sixteen, there was nothing. All Shuu could remember after that was the heavy, velvety fabric of the canopy above his bed, as he stared at it for days, weeks, months… He remembered dull pain, and sand underneath his eyelids after sleepless, feverish nights, and Kanae’s beautiful face twisted in heartbreaking grimace of despair.

“Ten years…” he murmured with a sigh, taking a long sip of wine, “You will be turning nineteen this year, is this right?”

“Yes. In few months.” Kanae replied, not noticing that his master suddenly got melancholic.

“You grew up fast. Seems as if it was yesterday, that I brought you to the greenhouse for the first time. And you’re an adult now… Somehow all I can remember is you being a child. I missed a lot, didn’t I?” Tsukiyama finished the wine in his glass in one quick sip, averting his eyes down.

“Master Shuu…” this time Kanae couldn’t fail but notice how the older ghoul was troubled, and visibly upset. The boy scooted closer to him, and placed his hand over his master’s own palm. The gesture was tender, and innocently affectionate, and it made Shuu smile a little again, as he noticed how instinctive it was for Kanae to comfort him. “Please don’t worry about this. You are better now, that’s all that counts.”

Kanae would never admit it out loud, but he too regretted not having his master at his side as he was growing up from adolescence. Perhaps otherwise he would end up more outgoing, and confident, but those three years of master Shuu’s depression, a heavy burden upon his shoulders, turned him into a quiet and melancholic type. This was only giving others reasons to pick on him. Not to mention that seeing his beloved master in such state, and being helpless, was causing the young boy a great pain of heart. But master Shuu didn’t need to hear any of this.

“I was quite a bother recently, wasn’t I? I’m surprised that you still serve me with the same effort and commitment. Many others would give up.” Tsukiyama said in hushed voice as he looked up at the boy, upturning his palm to squeeze his hand that rested atop his own.

“I… I owe you a lot. This loyalty is… all I have to give in return for your and your father’s kindness.” Kanae responded properly, politely. He was very careful not to overstep the line, because there was much more he felt, and much more that he could say about this. Sometimes he hated this loyalty, it was turning difficult choices into impossible ones, and it was constantly driving him towards master Shuu, even though he knew he was not the one that his master truly craved. “I would do anything for you…” the boy finally broke, his tongue loosening due to wine he had drunk, “If you would ask me to repeat those three years all over again, I would care for you just much as I already had, and more."

A little voice of common sense in the back of his head, was telling Kanae to stop talking, but alcohol was putting words right onto his tongue. Eventually the voice just started praying that someone would shut the boy’s mouth for him.

The prayer was apparently heard by Tsukiyama’s alcohol-clouded mind, because just as Kanae opened his mouth to speak again, he stole his words, and breath away with a sudden kiss. It was sweet like blood, and warm, and lasted no longer than a single heartbeat. Just a soft press of their lips, and little sighs of breath shared like a whisper.

As Tsukiyama pulled away moments after, Kanae nearly fell forward, the boy’s lips chasing his master’s own, desperate not to let go. A small gasp escaped him as it finally occurred to him what just happened, eyes widening, and he snatched his hand away from his master’s grip. He got a little dizzy, legs trembling as he stood up from the blanket abruptly, knot in his throat making it almost impossible to speak.

“I… have to go. I have chores. Um… please just leave everything, I will clean it up later.” Kanae gestured vaguely around, and stepped over the platters and wine glasses, nearly knocking the candles over, as he rushed to leave the greenhouse.

Tsukiyama was left alone on the blanket, surrounded by Duftwolke roses, judging him silently, dripping with red and hazing his mind with their hypnotic scent. His lips still tingled from the kiss, and he brought his hand up to his mouth to touch them carefully with his fingers. It was a while since he felt something like this… Somehow it felt as if the kiss made him even more drunk. He felt warm, and lightheaded.

But why did he do it? That he did not know.

 


	2. Dolce!... & Gabbana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 ❈ Fashion ❈ 

Kanae had fantasized about kissing master Shuu before. He couldn’t go through reading a romantic novel without picturing himself and his master in a loving embrace, their lips connected in a sweetest of kisses. He didn’t even know when this happened, that his feelings towards Tsukiyama developed that way, somehow it felt as if it was like this since forever.

He always loved him. At first it was an innocent love, a grateful one, love of a child who locates all of his feelings in the one and only person that cares for them. Tsukiyama meant a lot to Kanae, he was his family, his mentor, someone he admired, someone who taught him new things, someone who gave him purpose in life. The boy went through all of those stages of love, it was always there, since the day they met. Starting with a small seed, it grew, and bloomed, and rooted deeply in his heart. And so, it just felt natural that eventually it developed into a romantic one. After all, master Shuu was his everything.

Kanae hardly ever questioned it, he just took it for granted, and thought of it as of something meant to be, something obvious. How could he possibly locate his feelings in anyone else? There was no one better, smarter, kinder, more talented, or more beautiful than master Shuu.

Years spent on idolizing Tsukiyama, meant that all kisses Kanae could imagine were always wonderful, toe-curling, utterly romantic, and most of all, welcomed by the boy’s own willing, loving lips. But when the actual kiss finally happened, even though it seemed perfect with the candles, and roses, and sweet taste of blood wine, it felt nothing like it. Instead, it only made one question pop into the boy’s mind.

_How dared he?_

That was the very first time Kanae questioned his feelings.

For three years the boy suffered, spending every minute by his master’s deathbed. And it was slow and painful death, not only for Tsukiyama, but for everyone that held him dear. Even more so, because he was bringing it upon himself, refusing to eat, refusing to get up, to go outside. He refused to live, because he couldn’t see a reason. With Kaneki Ken gone, he couldn’t see anything else worth living for.

Even though Kanae tried his best, begging, encouraging, threatening, serving him the best quality of meat he could obtain, trying to interest him in entertaining activities, or simply just being there by his side, it was never enough.

He was too young to take such burden upon his shoulders, and yet he stood strong, because master Shuu meant the world to him. But apparently, he didn’t mean enough to master Shuu. He couldn’t make him better.

Three long years Kanae had sacrificed, in tears, in fear, in heart wrenching pain. He wanted master Shuu to get better, but he would be lying if he said, that the fact that Haise Sasaki managed in one day what he couldn’t do for three years, didn’t bother him. It was like being stabbed right in the heart.

So now, when it was more than obvious that some _halfbreed meal_ meant more to master Shuu than Kanae himself, how dare he kiss him? How dare he play with his feelings like this? How dare he _use him_?

The shock of considering his own feelings in such way for the very first time, left Kanae numb for a few days after. He was always an emotional type, he felt things strongly, but not like this. He worried a lot, he was jealous, yes… but it was perhaps the very first time when he was truly hurt, and he let a possibility enter his mind… a possibility that his master may not be perfect.

And so, for the following days, a significant distance could be felt between the young master of Tsukiyama house, and his ever faithful servant. Kanae was always very particular about his professionalism, addressing his master respectfully, staying quiet when not asked, and being utmost polite, but somehow it was still clear to anyone who would look at them, that they were close. But this time, Kanae took offence. This kiss was stained with pity, it was a desperate kiss of an unfulfilled man, a kiss meant for a second best. It only added insult to injury, and caused the bitterness and despair that filled Kanae’s heart to finally spill over the brim.

Tsukiyama was utterly confused.

He knew the kiss for some reason offended the boy, but he couldn’t understand why. Perhaps he misread the boy’s intentions? Misinterpreted the moment their shared back then in the greenhouse? Well… the fact that this kiss even happened surprised Shuu himself as much. It was just… an impulse. In that moment, it felt right, it felt… _just right_.

He tried to blame alcohol, or the fact that he was still not fully back to his own self, still recovering… But deep inside he knew none of it justified anything. Just because he spent those three years lying numbly in bed didn’t mean he wasn’t aware of his surroundings for this time. He knew Kanae was there, he knew how much effort he put into getting him better, how much he cared. For never leaving his side, and never abandoning hope, for seeing him at his worst and still being there for him, Tsukiyama wanted to thank Kanae. For that, the kiss felt right, and for that it was given.

But apparently, he overstepped a line here, which caused Kanae’s recent coldness. And this was the first time since his recovery, when Tsukiyama’s mind wandered away from Kaneki, even if for a moment, and he thought fondly of the friendship he and Kanae used to have. He wished to have that back. It was obviously impossible to pretend that those three years didn’t happen, but well… Kaneki returned to him even though it seemed impossible. So maybe there were more things that Shuu could have back, just like it used to be.

He failed to see how egoistic thinking that was.

After about a week of Kanae’s silent pouting, Shuu decided to suggest they do something together, something they used to love.

“How about we go shopping today, Kanae-kun?”

Kanae’s ears perked slightly, and he looked over his shoulder to glance at his master, from where he was dusting off the bookshelves.

“Shopping? If you wish so, we can go.” the boy replied shortly. But no matter how upset or offended he felt, it still was making him very glad that his master was interested in his favourite activities once again. He hid a small smile from Tsukiyama as he turned back around to face the bookshelves.

“Yes, well, I thought a new attire would be a good idea.” Shuu continued, trying to interest Kanae some more.

The boy’s first thought was that most probably this new attire was meant to impress Haise Sasaki. He could feel his mouth watering with venom, but he swallowed it back. It wouldn’t be appropriate to speak impolitely to master Shuu, no matter his feelings. He was just a servant after all, it was not his place to make comments.

“Is there a special occasion?” he asked carefully, “Master Shuu, I know your old clothes don’t fit as well as they used to, but if you keep eating properly they will soon. Or if you want, I can have them tailored for you.”

“It’s not about that. I would just like to refresh myself a little. And well… I was hoping we can buy something for you too. So you can wear it when you accompany me to the opera this evening. If you agree to go with me, that is.” It wasn’t that Tsukiyama wanted to bribe Kanae into better mood, but well… the truth was, he _was_ a little spoiled, so he hardly knew other ways to break the ice between them. He also knew the boy well enough to find his soft spot easily.

And the boy despised himself for that, but his heart truly did skip a beat at this offer. If he agrees? How could he not! He loved spending time with master Shuu, and he wished for them to once again be able to do all the things that they used to, before Tsukiyama lost interest in everything. He wanted it so much, and no matter how he interpreted the kiss, he couldn’t stay mad at his master. Maybe it was naive, and definitely it was pathetic, but… the heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

“I would love to.” Kanae said, turning to grace Tsukiyama with an honest smile.

 

* * *

 

They went shopping to Shuu’s once favourite boutique, horrendously expensive and pompous place, where clothes from world’s best designers hung on racks in long rows as if it was nothing; and clad impossibly thin and long-legged mannequins. It was perhaps the only place where Tsukiyama’s unhealthy leanness was favoured, and his extravagant taste could run wild. Not to mention the vast choice of clothing fitting Kanae’s own boyish and delicate form.

The sales staff recognized Tsukiyama right away, as he used to be a regular customer once, and in a second they were all over him, ready to summarise what he had missed not following the world of fashion for the past three years. They sat both Shuu and Kanae down on one of the leather sofas, and pushed multiple colourful catalogues in their hands.

And Tsukiyama and Kanae didn’t even have to speak up, one shared look between master and his servant was enough. They just knew. When you know someone so well and for so long, there are things that even left unspoken, are clear as a day. And so, immediately, they both flipped through the pages of their catalogues, until they found Dolce&Gabbana collections.

Kanae forgot all about the venomous thoughts he harvested within his heart for the past few days, since they kissed in the greenhouse. This didn’t matter now, because it suddenly felt as if those three years never happened. And he felt so happy, it was just like before, before Kaneki Ken, and depression, and jealousy. With the fashion catalogues spread all over the glass coffee table, they swooned over collections of past years with wide, glimmering eyes. It was warming Kanae’s heart to see his master excited about something again, seeming much more like his old self, speaking loudly and with thrill once again.

Both spring collections of 2014 and 2015 spoke to Tsukiyama on spiritual level. He adored that striped suits were back in style, and apparently now there was no limit as for colour or fabric of the suit. There were white and ecru suits completely covered with lace, velvety ones in dark, chocolatey colours, and his favourite ones... red, double-breasted, three-piece suits made of wonderfully shiny fabric. He wanted one like that.

Kanae, on the other hand, couldn’t take his eyes away from all the flowery patterns, and rich, heavy jacquards with victorian-styled embroidery. They spent fair amount of time admiring women fashion as well, the boy completely in love with variety of frills and lace combinations, and endless, endless floral motives. Shuu even tried to braid Kanae’s hair, like the models in the catalogue have had, but the complicated hairdo turned out to be impossible to recreate, and they ended up giggling as Tsukiyama was running his finger through the boy’s hair, trying to untangle them from a clumsy braid.

They left the boutique with two suits for Shuu (red one, and the other dripping with flowery pattern, because Kanae insisted he looked simply stunning in it), and a pale blue shirt, embroidered in little roses, for Kanae.

 

* * *

 

On the same evening, Kanae was helping Shuu put on his new suit, as they were getting ready to leave for the opera. Both of them had a silly little glow about them. Kanae felt at ease, for the first time since long. Seeing his master getting better with each day, and becoming interested again in all the things he used to like, was giving the boy hope, and soothed his heart. For this one evening, he didn’t want to think about Haise Sasaki. For this one evening they travelled in time, three years back.

And Shuu was glad that he finally managed to break the ice that seemed to be covering Kanae since the unfortunate kiss in the greenhouse. He hoped that maybe after they spend some more time together, this _faux pas_ of his will fade away. After all, he was having quite a wonderful day with Kanae, and he wished for their relationship to tighten up again. They used to be so close, Tsukiyama really regretted those missed years, even more so as he now had a chance to see that Kanae grew up to be such a delightful young man.

Standing before a mirror, Shuu admired his reflection, the red suit looking marvellous on him. He found approval in the reflection of Kanae’s dreamy stare, as the boy ran his hand along his shoulder, to straighten the fabric and chase away non existing speck of dust. That was when Mirumo decided to storm into the bedroom, informed by someone from the staff that his son didn’t appear at dinner table because he was out shopping.

Mirumo was more than thrilled that Shuu felt all better, and was spending time outside, once again engaging himself in some of his once favourite entertainments. Hearing that he planned to see an opera that evening, Tsukiyama senior immediately invited himself to go along. That was… nice, but mostly disappointing, as Shuu actually planned to spend some time alone with Kanae. But Mirumo was having none of it, already hyped about father-son time with his beloved Shuu-kun.

As soon as he left Shuu’s bedroom, calling out for Kanae to follow and get his tux ready, the younger of Tsukiyamas gave the boy an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry, Kanae-kun, I don’t think he understood I meant to go with you.”

“No need to apologize, I will be glad to see you spend some time with your father. He was very worried about you for this whole time, I think he needs it now.” Kanae dismissed the case, although not without regret, if he was to be completely honest with himself. “Please excuse me, I shall go get master Mirumo’s tux ready. Enjoy your evening, master Shuu.”

 

* * *

 

Once both masters were all dressed up and ready, and gravel in the driveway crunched under the tires of their car, Kanae could catch a little break. Without worrying that he can be called over any moment, the boy could disappear into the solitude of his bedroom, to try on the new shirt master Shuu got for him.

It wasn’t just about the shirt though. Buying it, Kanae already had in mind what other of his clothes he could match with it, and the lovely outfit he made up was nagging his thoughts all day. He just couldn’t wait to try it on.

On the very back of his wardrobe, hidden behind the rows of black shirts and standard staff uniforms, Kanae had his little kingdom, of clothes he designed and sewed himself. Once Matsumae learnt him how to sew (after he received the thimble, that is), he turned out to be quite good at it, and was using this skill not only to mend his master’s clothes, but also to make completely new outfits for himself.

Unfortunately for the tailor working for Tsukiyama family, but very fortunately for Kanae, master Shuu’s kagune managed to ruin countless shirts through all those years. Some of them Kanae managed to fix, but many of them had to be replaced. But the boy was never getting rid of them, instead, he was cutting whatever fabric was left, and using it so sew new clothes for himself.

Of course he could be just buying clothes, but Kanae had a very particular taste, which caused him to be a little embarrassed when it came to shopping. He supposed it was like with Japanese teens that had to wear matching uniforms to school, and so on their free days they would appear on the streets of Harajuku dressed in the most flamboyant and vibrant clothes. He himself, was spending most of his time wearing standard uniform of Tsukiyamas’ household staff, and so, when he had a chance to wear something else, he liked it to be _pretty_.

For hunting, he had a very stylish coat, and black veil over his face. For different occasions, he had many shirts of different colours, some with frills around the sleeves, some with ruffled collars, and of course the whole collection of neckties, cravats, and ribbons. But he also had clothes which he was never wearing outside.

Double checking that the door to his bedroom was locked, Kanae undressed from his uniform quickly, and began putting on the outfit that would go with his new shirt. He started with underwear, delicate, white lace. Maybe not very practical, but definitely very pretty. The boy spent fair amount of time in just that, admiring his own reflection in a mirror, turning around to see how the lace would envelop his round bottom.

A pair of cotton thigh highs followed right after, pulled onto Kanae’s slender legs, making him look almost innocent and angelic, if not for the lace of his panties stretched lewdly on the front.

White skirt with laced rim, handmade out of two of Shuu’s old shirts, was a final touch of the outfit, before Kanae put on his rose embroidered, blue shirt, together with loose, lilac, button-up sweater on top.

He loved it. He looked pretty. Sometimes, Kanae wished he could wear such clothes every day, and he wondered if master Shuu would like them. So what that his hips were narrow… he still thought he looked good in the skirt, and his waist was not so bad either. He took one of his ribbons, that he usually wore tied under the collar of his shirt, and put it in his hair, smiling dreamily at his overall look. Yes, just as he thought, the new shirt was made to be worn with that skirt, and loose, woolen sweater.

Successfully distracted by his own reflection, Kanae lost track of time, and didn’t even notice as it got really late, and both master Mirumo and master Shuu returned from the opera. Some time later, a knock on his bedroom door abruptly brought him back to earth, and he rushed to untangle the ribbon from his hair in panic.

Balancing on one leg to pull off the cotton socks, Kanae had no time to undress now, as the knocking repeated impatiently. Snatching his robe in hurry the boy put it on, covering himself tightly, and answered the door.

Matsumae gave him a surprised look, raising an eyebrow, “Getting ready to sleep so early?” she asked, eyeing the robe that Kanae held closed tightly with his hand, “I’m sorry to disturb you, but master Shuu has returned home, and apparently he is not feeling well. Master Mirumo asked for you to help him get ready for bed.”

“I will be right there.” Kanae nodded, disappearing behind the closed door again. Ah, this was bad… master Shuu seemed fine before. Everyone were encouraging him to go out, and spend his time more actively, but maybe it was still too soon for him.

Kanae undressed quickly, not wasting time on changing the underwear, and pulling on his uniform over the white lace. There was no time to worry about that. Just few minutes later he was in his master’s bedroom, and he walked in to see Shuu sitting in an armchair, head resting on his hand as he propped his elbow against the armrest. Within a second, the boy was kneeling on the carpet before him, brow furrowed in worry and concern.

“Master Shuu? Are you unwell?”

Tsukiyama shook his head, giving him a calming smile, “Just tired. It was an exciting day, I’m still a little too weak for that.”

This made the younger ghoul calm down a little, and he sighed out, running a nervous hand through his hair, “You should rest. I will draw you a bath, how does that sound?”

 

* * *

 

Soon after, Tsukiyama submerged into the pleasantly warm water, scented oils chosen carefully by Kanae were meant to soothe him, and indeed he found the bath very relaxing. In the meantime, Kanae fumbled around the bathroom, picking up his master’s clothes scattered around.

“I will put this away, and go make your bed. Maybe open a window for a while, fresh air will help you sleep better.” the boy mumbled, folding the clothes neatly, “Just call out once you’re done, please be careful not to slip.”

He was just about to leave as he found Shuu’s tie abandoned on the floor, and as he bent over to pick it up, the waistband of his trousers slid slightly down to reveal his lace underwear. It didn’t escape Shuu’s attention, and he raised his eyebrows in admiration at this peculiar, but definitely interesting sight.

“Um… Kanae?”

“Yes?” the younger ghoul turned around, unaware of his little secret being exposed.

Tsukiyama made a longer pause, but then decided against exploring this, after all Kanae’s private, matter.

“Thank you for today. I had fun. I promise the next time we will go see the opera together.”

 


	3. Summer House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 ❈ Travel/Day Trip ❈ 

After a couple of days of resting, and Kanae’s patient care, Shuu regained his strength and was out of bed again. Kanae kept complimenting him that his face is getting rounder, and dark circles underneath his eyes are disappearing, but he himself couldn’t really see it. He knew that the boy was always idealizing him, and he would never argue with this before, but now he really couldn’t agree. Process of his recovery was slow, it _was_ getting gradually better, but still, very slowly.

Even so, he was grateful for Kanae’s care, and since the day they went shopping, they were once again on good terms. Or so did Shuu think. Because becoming closer with Kanae again, meant that they spent lots of time together, and most of this time Shuu was using on planning how to make Kaneki remember him. And obviously, all of his ideas and thoughts about this, he was sharing with his faithful servant.

And Kanae… Kanae was enduring this as best as he could. He couldn’t get mad at master Shuu, and even if he did sometimes, he couldn’t stay upset for too long. After all, the boy needed to remember, that whether he liked it or not, one picture of Kaneki managed to bring his master back to life. While the three years that Kanae sacrificed on caring for him were fruitless. That meant something. That meant that Kaneki was what was making his master happy. So whether he liked it or not, Kanae had to choose lesser evil, and support Tsukiyama in this madness.

With each day Shuu was getting more excited and lively, Kanae was getting more miserable and heartbroken. What hurt him even more, was that master Shuu didn’t even seem to notice that.

One day, as they were sitting by the dressing table, Shuu staring at his own reflection, and Kanae brushing his hair, the young ghoul really found himself on the edge of his nerves.

Tsukiyama kept babbling about how he _has to_ make his appearance better and _fast_ , and how there is no wonder Kaneki didn’t recognize him if he looks so different. Kanae, maneuvering with scissors every now and then, trying to trim those few uneven, longer strands that kept bothering his master, couldn’t even make a face or roll his eyes, because his reflection could be seen by Tsukiyama. But he was positively boiling inside.

“Master Shuu, he doesn’t remember anything now. It has nothing to do with your looks, you look fine, better every day.” the young servant gave a timid, but polite and patient answer. He had all the answers always prepared, calculated and kind, even if venom and hatred were poisoning his heart, his words were kept unstained.

“But I am sure he would remember _me_ if only I was more like I used to be.” Tsukiyama insisted, and Kanae had to purse his lips not to burst out and say something he would regret. “That’s alright, though. We have a blank page now, a _tabula rasa_ , we can start anew. All the mistakes we have made can be erased. I just need him to remember _me_ , and from there, we will start making new memories.”

Kanae was torn between being angry and glad, because he loved to see his master smile, but he hated that his face was lighting up like this only when he spoke of Kaneki Ken. So in the end, he just was melancholic, running his fingers through Shuu’s hair as he trimmed another indigo strand, and wishing he could do actual damage by stabbing himself with those scissors. That would sure hurt less that his master’s words.

“You just need nourishment and time. I promise you that your health and looks will improve soon.” the boy finally put the scissors away, and styled Tsukiyama’s hair neatly, brushing his fringe to the side. “There, see? You are… perfect as always.” he finished the sentence in hushed voice as he stood up and disposed of the cut strands into a bin. Once he turned around he gritted his teeth, fighting back tears that swelled in the corners of his eyes.

Especially as his master continued speaking all of this nonsense.

“No, Kanae, I need this to happen faster.” Shuu whined, obsessively touching his cheeks and trying to puff them up a little with his fingers. “I wasted three years on mourning while Kaneki-kun was alive and well. I have no more time to lose.”

Kanae’s palm curled into a fist, and he took a deep breath, trying to keep himself together. He never regretted this time he spent on caring for master Shuu, he _would_ do that all over again if Tsukiyama needed it, he _would_ go through those three years once again, even though each passing day was killing him slowly as he looked at his master’s numb, empty face. But for master Shuu, it only mattered that he lost the time he could have spent with Kaneki Ken. And where was Kanae in all this? Where were the sleepless nights he spent at Tsukiyama’s bed, the effort he put into finding him satisfying meals, the energy he used to find him entertainments?

That’s why the kiss in the greenhouse made him so angry. Because master Shuu told him all those lies, that he missed him, that he appreciates him, and then kissed him as if this was all true, while he was just drunk, and lonely, and missing Kaneki Ken. Kanae wished he didn’t love him, he wished he could just turn on his heel and leave, he hated the affection that was making him stay and endure all of this.

But no matter how much he hated it, he did love him. There was nothing he could do about it.

“You… you got significantly better since you started going outside.” Kanae spoke, fighting to keep his voice steady, and his tone polite, “Let’s just keep this up, and you will see how fast you will improve. Nourishment and time, master Shuu, that’s what I am always telling you.” he gave another, almost trained, answer.

After a longer moment of silence, Tsukiyama stood up from his seat abruptly, excited glimmer in his eyes giving Kanae chills. Whether they were pleasant or not, he couldn’t tell.

“Exactly! Kanae-kun, I can’t get better with all of this bad city air and smog around! I should go somewhere where the air is fresh and full of iodine, not heavy from car fumes!”

“Um… the mansion is in the suburbs, and there are acres of land turned into a garden. I’m sure the air is just fine here.” Kanae tried to protest, and calm his master’s sudden wanderlust.

“Don’t be absurd, Tokyo is a metropolis, we can’t escape the pollution even here. Kanae-kun, let’s go to the summer house for a few days. Sea air will be good for me, and I will come back to the city completely recovered, and handsome as ever!” It seemed that Shuu had made up his mind already.

Kanae wasn’t sure, at first, if this was a good idea. He didn’t want his master to get himself tired by travelling, and he thought this was still too early for him to take such long trip. But on the other hand… he couldn’t deny the countryside could be a bit of a healthier environment, and also Shuu seemed excited about it, which was good, because attitude was important in recovery process. Besides… having master Shuu miles away from Haise Sasaki could only be good at this stage. He was a dove, after all, and Shuu was acting way too risky.

“Summer house, great idea!” the boy agreed with newly found enthusiasm. “Let’s go first thing in the morning, I shall pack the suitcase.”

 

* * *

 

It was over three hours long drive from Tokyo to Irozaki, on Izu peninsula, where Tsukiyamas’ summer house was located at the sea shore. But, they left quite early in the morning (nine o’clock was early for a wealthy young heir), so they managed to get there by noon.

Kanae was exhausted after driving in summer heat, but Tsukiyama was very energetic and excited about inhaling some healthy and clean sea air, that was supposed to make him all better. The young servant couldn’t complain, Haise Sasaki was over two hundred kilometers away from them, and master Shuu was in good mood, definitely resembling his own self much more than when he was stuck pouting in Tokyo. Maybe this wasn’t a bad idea at all…

For a while, Kanae forgot that Haise Sasaki _was_ a reason why they came here in the first place. For a while, he didn’t care. Master Shuu was smiling, and he was getting excited about things again, and he wanted to spend his time more actively, and despite everything, all the jealousy and misery, it made Kanae’s heart swell with joy. He missed his master so much.

Shuu wanted to go to the beach right away, but Kanae had to be the responsible one. First they needed to carry their suitcases inside, along with the food supplies the boy packed. It was a very hot day, and he didn’t want to risk the meat getting spoiled.

Another thing was that no one visited the summer house in years, so the layer of dust covering everything nearly made Kanae cry. He shooshed his master out of the house, putting a deckchair for him on the terrace, and told him to try and get tanned while the sun is high. In the meantime, the boy himself put on a surgical mask over his face, and began the tedious process of bringing the summer house back to life.

Being practical and hardworking, Kanae managed to turn the house spotless in less than two hours, the dust chased away from furniture and carpets, spiderwebs gathered from the various corners, windows cleaned, and fresh sheets put on the beds. Right after dinner (Kanae being very particular about his master eating regularly), they finally made it to the beach.

 

* * *

 

Tired after the long ride, and all the cleaning, Kanae just wished to lie down on the sand and relax. God knew he deserved a rest, caring for master Shuu was a full-time job. He liked the idea of going to the summer house even more now, as he spread a blanket for himself, and stretched his sore muscles, lying down comfortably.

Closing his eyes, he listened to gentle whispers of the sea, keeping himself cool with a fan that swayed in his hand lazily, a hat with wide brim providing shade over his face. His skin was delicate, and he had to be careful not to get sunburn, after all.

But, Tsukiyama already had some tanning time while Kanae was cleaning the house, and he managed to get bored sitting on the terrace alone for so long. So he was more into teasing the boy now, rather than lazing around. It wasn’t long before he wandered off towards the water.

Kanae even managed to relax, first time in years having a proper rest, but then he felt a cold, wet finger poking at his shoulder.

“Kanae-kun, look what I found.” Shuu’s voice was nearly giggly, and Kanae cracked one eye open, only to witness a terrifying sight of a starfish being held right in front of his face.

“Ew, no! Gross!” the young ghoul squealed, rolling over and away from the ugly sea creature. “Keep this away from me!”

“Oh, come on. It’s just a little starfish. Look, it’s kind of cute.” Tsukiyama held the starfish between his finger and thumb, and wriggled it in the air a little, extending his hand towards the boy.

“It’s not cute! It’s gross. Please don’t go near me with this.” Kanae’s eyebrow twitched in distress, and he scooted further away.

But, his protests only seemed to amuse Tsukiyama, and he leaned in to hold the starfish even closer to the poor boy. Kanae made a disgusted face and tried to get up and escape from this monstrosity, but Shuu grabbed him by the ankle, causing him to trip and land back onto the sand. Holding down the squirming young ghoul, Tsukiyama straddled him, and started waving the starfish just an inch above his face.

“Let me go! Not on the face, not on the face!” Kanae squealed, tilting his head to the side to keep himself as far from the starfish as he could.

Tsukiyama laughed melodically, and finally took the starfish away, tossing it back towards the water. The face Kanae was making was no less but adorable, and he couldn’t stop laughing at the boy’s distress caused by something so harmless.

“You’re cruel…” the boy pouted, narrowing his eyes, but still a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He liked that master Shuu laughed, and that he was in the mood to tease him. He endured worse things that starfish, after all. This wasn’t so bad. In fact, this was very good. “Let me go now.” Kanae squirmed away from underneath Shuu, and sat up, taking his hat off to brush the sand off it.

“You have got some nice swimming trunks there, Kanae-kun.” Tsukiyama chatted up in seemingly casual tone, but with a suspiciously smug look on his face. At least he abandoned the idea of looking around for more disgusting sea creatures, and plonked himself down on the blanket.

“These are just regular shorts.” Kanae huffed, combing his fingers through his hair to brush the fringe away from his face, and putting the hat back on, “And look who’s talking. Didn’t they have _more_ revealing speedo?” his slender finger pointed in the general area of Tsukiyama’s crotch.

He teased, but he would be damned if master Shuu didn’t look absolutely breathtaking. Fortunately, Kanae could pretend that the blush on his face was from the sun. But taking the obvious… fascination aside, the young ghoul had to admit that his master was by now not so far away from his past glory.

He was much thinner, yes, and he wasn’t as fit due to lack of exercise, but since he was eating properly again, he looked really good. Kanae could see improvements and changes with naked eye. Shuu’s knees and hips got less edgy and protruding, his skin had healthier colour, his eyes were focused and clear once again. And well… his butt getting more round also didn’t escape the boy’s attention, as it was now filling the very revealing speedo quite nicely.

“Oh, speaking about _revealing_.” Tsukiyama mused out loud, tracing shapes in the sand with his finger, “I would think you will wear something more _bold_. Something… lacy, perhaps?”

Kanae’s face went white in an instant, and it took him a moment to speak past the knot in his throat. “What… what do you mean?”

“I think you know.”

Oh yes, he knew. Just a moment of thought was also enough to guess when master Shuu could see it. _Opera night… I had them on underneath my uniform, oh God_.

“That’s… inappropriate! And… embarrassing!” the boy’s face turned from pale white to crimson red, and he stood up, turning on his heel and walking away towards the sea.

At first it was funny, Shuu’s cheeks hurting from smiling, but then he realized Kanae really was embarrassed and seriously pouting. He refused to go back to their blanket for a full hour, standing knees-deep in the sea, splashing the water with his foot stubbornly, and curling his toes into the cool mud. Every now and then he would bend over to pick up a seashell, but wouldn’t even look in his master’s direction.

Tsukiyama eventually gave up and went to apologize. It took him quite a while of begging forgiveness, and ensuring Kanae that it’s all fine, and he didn’t mean to make fun of him. The young ghoul was blushing for the whole time, arms crossed over his chest, and wished he could just melt on the spot, and be washed away by the sea, to escape this embarrassment.

Finally, Shuu admitted that the panties were cute, and bribed Kanae with iced coffee, so the boy forgave him.

In the evening, they made a campfire on the beach. With blankets draped over their shoulders, curled up next to each other, they sat mostly in silence, staring at the bright flames.

“It was a good idea to come here. I can already feel the fresh air doing wonders on me.” Shuu spoke in hushed voice, poking the fire with a stick.

“Mhm, you do look better, master Shuu.” Kanae agreed with a yawn. He really was tired after that day, but also very happy. He liked being away from the city, away from bad memories, and bad influences over his master…

“Ah, _merci_. I feel better too.” the older ghoul sighed contently, feeling very much relaxed. His mind felt peaceful and clear too, finally.

“This is nice, you deserve it. To do something fun, take your mind off… things. Unpleasant things.” Kanae was barely putting together coherent sentences, fighting to keep his eyes open. Smell of the burning wood, and whispers of waves in the distance soothing him.

Silence fell between them for a long moment, crickets being heard somewhere, fire cracking and sending its flaming tongues up into the starry sky. The moon was hanging low above the water surface, admiring its reflection in the peaceful sea. It felt as if there were no bothers in the world, just for few minutes, everything was alright.

“You know, Kanae-kun…” Shuu’s low, soft voice barely broke the silence, “Thank you for bringing me here. You work so hard, and care for me, and you’re always there when I need it the most… I don’t appreciate you nearly enough.”

It took some courage to admit it, but unfortunately, Tsukiyama soon discovered that Kanae didn’t hear a word of it. Leaning against his shoulder, the boy was already asleep, snoozing peacefully.

 


	4. Hyacinth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 4 ❈ Arts ❈

Spending a lot of time on the beach, with fresh air, warm sand, clear water, and carefree heart, Shuu was getting better and stronger quicker than Kanae could think it was possible. To see him burst with new energy, smile, and even get some of his attitude back, was all the young ghoul could wish for. He never lost hope that his master will return to him, but after such long time, it slowly turned from hope to a distant dream. And now it was true. Kanae’s happiness, for those few days they spent in the summer house, was sheer and honest, for the first time in three years.

With Shuu in so much better shape, and in so much better mood, Kanae had to come up with many different activities, to occupy his surprisingly (but oh, how wonderfully!) absorbing master.

But Tsukiyamas’ summer house was not just a mere cabin on a countryside. It had all of the mod cons, was fully (and expensively) furnished, with 3 bathrooms in total, four bedrooms on the first floor (including master bedroom), guest room, and staff room on the ground floor, fireplace, pantry, terrace, jacuzzi, pool table, and of course, a piano. There was much to do there, and Shuu couldn’t get bored, at least for this short time they were spending there.

On one evening, after the eventful day of chasing Kanae around the beach with another sea creature he had found (a crab, this time), Tsukiyama decided he felt like playing piano. Kanae’s heart sped up its beating when he heard his master’s request. He didn’t play in so long, and he was so talented, he used to love this… The boy couldn’t been happier, the sole mention of the instrument bringing back many happy memories.

The young ghoul dusted the piano off neatly, and his eyes sparkled with joy as he gazed at his master, sitting down on the bench and opening the keyboard cover. This was nearly a religious experience, to observe his talented master once again by his instrument, after all those years. Kanae couldn’t wait to hear him play again.

“I’m not sure… if I even remember any melodies now.” Tsukiyama placed his fingers atop the keyboard gently, carefully. Kanae never saw him handle something so tenderly, with feather-light touch, as he did his piano.

His long, gentle fingers pressed the keys, and the room filled with… terrible, awful cacophony.

“Oh my… this is completely mistuned.” Shuu chuckled, cringing a little at the ghastly sounds of forgotten piano. “This was to be expected, I don’t know when was the last time someone was using it.” He stood up and opened the top cover of the instrument, peeking inside.

“I’m going to check in the attic for the tuning lever and some music sheets.” Kanae offered, “I’m sure master Mirumo kept all of this, he just put it away somewhere. Try to pull strings with your fingers for now, I will be right back.”

Kanae didn’t mind going through cluttered attic, even though he had to cough his way through all of the dusted items gathered there, not to mention endure very frightening encounters with several spiders. But he wanted to hear master Shuu play again so much, and so he bravely fumbled around all this dirt, until he found a box stuffed with music sheets, some books, and other unidentified things that belonged to his master, and remembered his younger, better years.

As he came back downstairs, Tsukiyama had to rescue him from a spiderweb tangled in his hair, causing Kanae to tear up in distress and disgust, and his master to giggle, for a reason to the boy unknown. Because it was not funny at all.

While Shuu worked on tuning the old piano, Kanae sat down in an armchair and started to look through the box he had found. With a smile on his face, he read the titles written in bolded letters atop each music sheet, without a second thought recognizing those that his master used to play the most often, and of course those that they used to play together. Tsukiyama's favourite ones he was putting away on a separate pile, reading out loud to him what he had found.

“Everything is here, master Shuu, and the duets too. We can play together if you like.” he spoke as his fingers ran swiftly through the music sheets, flipping pages of Dvorak’s piano and violin concerto.

“Have you brought your violin here?” Tsukiyama asked, plonking with the piano keys and trying to get the tunes right.

“Of course I have. I thought you might like to listen to me play. I played for you a lot when you were… um… resting. It seemed to be soothing you.” the boy replied, blushing darkly, and awkwardly pretending he is completely busy with looking through the content of the box.

Shuu didn’t say anything anymore, getting lost in his own thoughts. He remembered that, Kanae playing for him. He didn’t remember everything for the time of his depression, but every scattered memory he had, Kanae was always there. He remembered music, beautiful, calming. It was making him sleep better. Smiling faintly at those memories, Tsukiyama announced that the piano is tuned.

They spent hours by the instrument that evening, not even noticing how late it was getting. One night was not enough to go through all the music sheets, and so the following afternoon and evening were also dedicated to playing music.

At first, Tsukiyama was a little uncertain, his fingers strangely clumsy as Kanae picked Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata as the first piece he should play. It was _adagio_ , slow tempo, so the boy thought it was the best choice to ease his master into getting used to the piano again. Not without a few mistakes on the way, but gradually Shuu practiced the melody until he felt comfortable with the feel of piano keys underneath his fingers.

Kanae shed a few happy tears, his master’s wonderful talent once again awaking the dear memories of them playing together, that he cherished in his heart for all those years, prepared for the dreadful possibility that such moments were long lost. But here they were, once again keeping the night alive with sounds of music.

And what a wonderful music it was. Kanae didn’t even know how much he missed it, until he heard Tsukiyama play once again. Dexterous fingers, a musical ear, and talent were what was making good musicians, but master Shuu, apart from all this, had more. He had this passion in himself, that was turning every melody into something unspeakable, something that was making Kanae’s heart throb, and his chest warm up, and little shivers running down his spine. He was passionate about it, he was sensitive. That was the side of Tsukiyama that was rarely shown outside, and Kanae kind of liked that, because it was like a secret treasure than only those close to him were to witness.

They played Mozart, and Chopin, Bach, and Liszt, and with each piece Shuu was playing more beautifully, if that was even possible. And then they finally got to duets, and Kanae stood next to the piano, tucking his violin underneath his chin, and he barely managed to draw his bow across the strings, as he hand trembled in sheer joy.

Their favourite piano and violin duets were composed by Tchaikovsky, Dvorak, and Rossini, and when they played, it seemed that they were perfectly synchronized. No one would tell that the last time they were doing this was three years prior, they were complementing each other perfectly, their instruments joined together in a wordless conversation.

As music floated around them, seeping from underneath their fingers in the sweetest tones, Kanae tried to keep his breathing steady, knowing that vibrations from his nearly shaking body would disturb the resonance of his violin. But it was easier said than done. Their music was bringing back not only memories, but feelings too, or rather, it was causing his feelings to grow stronger once again.

He was wrong before, when he thought that his feelings towards Tsukiyama evolved gradually, developing slowly from his childish attachment, imperceptibly changing into something deeper, and stronger. It wasn’t like that, of course, he loved master Shuu always, for his kindness and out of gratitude, but Kanae realized then and there, that he could pinpoint the exact moment when he fell _in love_ with his master. It was when they played together for the first time, that Kanae made an unspoken vow, that he shall never love another. His heart was stolen on that day, and Tsukiyama was the one who owned it since then.

And when he played, he didn’t have to hide his feelings. Declarations of love that had to silently fill the air between words, could find release in the music he played for his master, putting all of his heart and affection into the melodies, played and meant only for him, and no one else.

 

* * *

 

Shuu was head over heels delighted that he turned out to be such natural born talent, and even three years break couldn’t cause him to forget how to play beautifully, or lose the charm he had while playing piano. While being depressed, he didn’t care about anything around him, and all days passed by melting into one stream of despair, just sun and moon switching places to shine over his misery. But since he recovered, it struck him, and really bothered him, how everything around has changed, fell apart, or disappeared.

At least he had this one constant, this didn’t change at all.

Once he felt confident enough with the piano again, he allowed himself to close his eyes for a few moments while he was playing, and pretend those three years never happened. Kanae’s music joining his own was as beautiful and pure as before, even though he could clearly hear how the boy developed, and sharpened his manner due to years of practice. This was making him proud.

And so, as on the space of just couple of days, they played through every single one music sheet they could find, Shuu found himself fumbling through the box Kanae found in the attic. Perhaps it contained more rescued bits of his shattered life? He wasn’t mistaken, as he found there his old sketchbook, and called Kanae over to show him.

“Are those really your drawings, master Shuu?” the boy asked in a gasp, eyes wide as he was slowly turning pages of the sketchbook, “I didn’t even know you draw.”

“Well, I was taking lessons when I was about sixteen, so… it was long ago. But I used to like it a lot.” Tsukiyama replied, also captivated by the long time not seen drawings, half of which he didn’t remember.

“I can tell, you used to draw a lot… there are a lot of sketches of flowers here. Ah, there is Duftwolke! And those are the chrysanthemums that grow by the south fence of the garden. You practiced in your gardens, I see now…” Kanae without a doubt recognized all the familiar flowers he was taking care of in the gardens of Tsukiyamas’ mansion.

After several pages of flower sketches, subject of the drawings changed to anatomy practice, and then, finally, human figures.

“What are those?” Kanae inquired, marveling at the beautiful figures filling the sketchbook pages, their lean bodies and wavy hair drew in precise lines of the pencil.

“Ah, those are the drawings I made when papa took me to Italy on summer break. We were in Florence, and I went to Uffizi Gallery to sketch details from famous paintings. This is from Botticelli’s ‘Primavera’.” Shuu explained, corner of his mouth twitching in a smile at the fond memory. “This is Zephyrus, the Greek god of west wind, and this is Chloris, the nymph of flowers. See, when she speaks, she breathes roses.” His finger tapped against the paper as he pointed it out to Kanae.

“Breathes roses… that is so beautiful.” the younger ghoul swooned quietly, admiring all the details of the drawing that master Shuu spoke about. “And who is this?” he pointed at another male figure on the next sketch.

“Oh, this is from another painting.” Tsukiyama said after the moment of thought, as he tried to remember, “I made this sketch here, so that it would be next to the one with Zephyrus. It’s Hyacinthos, the boy that Zephyrus was in love with. But Hyacinthos chose Apollo instead, and so Zephyrus killed him and created the flower hyacinth from his blood.”

“That is such a sad story…” Kanae sighed, caressing the old, yellowed paper with his finger.

“Sad? I would say it’s rather cruel.”

“Well, can you really blame him? If he was truly in love… perhaps he just couldn’t stand to see his beloved with another. And would rather not let anyone have him. Maybe no one else really deserved him. It’s sad to love someone who just can’t value your feelings. It’s sad to be rejected.”

Kanae looked up at his master, and they eyes met unexpectedly. Neither of them commented on that, but they shared a long, meaningful look, even though each of them thought of a different person in that moment.

“Anyway, I think your drawings are really lovely.” the boy broke the silence, averting his eyes as he closed the sketchbook, and handed it back to Tsukiyama. “You should try and draw some more. If you practice again, you will soon get a grip of it, I am sure.”

 

* * *

 

Shuu actually listen to Kanae’s advice, and he started to bring his sketchbook and a couple of pencils to the beach. At first, to let his hand remember old habits, and dust this neglected skill off a bit, he drew loose sketches of everything that was around.

He drew little landscapes of the sea, and trees growing at the edge of the beach; then he started working on more detailed drawings, and so he drew a starfish on a rock, and a few different seashells of interesting shapes.

Finally he went back to sketching flowers. Just a few grew on this little ribbon of grass that separated sand from the terrace of his house, but still it was a good study. There were poppies, cornflowers, and ironically enough, hyacinths.

But the small variety and fairly simple shapes of the flowers, bored him quickly. That was when he started sketching Kanae. The boy was a very pleasant model, both for the eye and the pencil. His body was lean and delicate, appearing on the paper in a mass of slightly curved lines, and tangled curls of his hair. Pressing the side of his pencil to the paper, and blurring it out a little with his finger, Shuu drew shadows that softly embraced every muscle and curve of Kanae’s form.

He made one sketch of the boy standing knees-deep in the sea, a hat on his head which he held with one hand whenever wind blew. Then, more from memory, he drew Kanae with his violin, a more detailed picture where he focused on showing the focus on his face, and graceful movements of his fingers.

And after that, completely from imagination, he made a sketch of Kanae in nothing but this lace underwear, a glimpse of which Shuu caught the other day, peeking above the edge of his trousers. This was his favourite one, and he put a lot of effort into depicting the younger ghoul’s anatomy right, with his long legs, and cutely boyish hips, and the elegant line of his spine, ending with soft curve of his bottom.

One thing he didn’t practice yet was a portrait, so he called Kanae over to model for him. The boy agreed shyly, flustered, but also excited. Tsukiyama took the hat off his head, and combed his hair with his fingers, before picking some flowers that he started to intertwine into Kanae’s violet strands.

Blue hyacinths and cornflowers contrasted with red poppies, crowning Kanae’s head and bringing up the rosy blush on his cheeks. Shuu wished he had paints, or at least colourful pencils, so he could capture that. Kanae posed patiently for about an hour, although with each minute he couldn’t wait to see the outcome. His own portrait drawn by master Shuu…

When the drawing was ready and presented to Kanae, the boy was left speechless.

“This can’t be right…” were his first words, but spoken in a tone of utmost admiration, “Do I really look like this?” he asked, glimmering eyes looking over the drawing.

“Well… yes, it’s as accurate as I only could.” Tsukiyama confirmed.

“But this drawing… it’s so beautiful. I look so pretty on it.” Biting his lip, Kanae looked up at Shuu, blush on his cheeks even darker, but the widest of smiles present on his face, “Do you think I really am so pretty?”

“Even prettier than the drawing.” Tsukiyama smiled softly, cupping the younger ghoul’s cheek, “When I have more supplies, I will make this in colour, and then you will really see.”

Kanae instinctively leaned into the touch, his master’s hand warm and soft, and gentle against his flushed cheek. He couldn’t stop smiling, this was one of the happiest moments in his life.

A sudden gust of wind caused a couple of flowers to fall from Kanae’s hair, and goosebumps to bloom on their skins. They looked up at the sky to see dark clouds gathering, and the sea also became uneasy, water darkening as the clouds covered sunlight.

“It’s going to rain, better to go back to the house.” Kanae said, picking up the fallen flowers as he stood up from the blanket.

First raindrops fell onto the young ghoul's naked shoulders just as they left the beach.

 


	5. Dreams and Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 ❈ Sacrifice/Saving ❈

It was raining for the whole night, and the entire next day. Even with as much as they could do in the house, lack of time spent outside started to once again make Tsukiyama gloomy. Forced to stay inside, he started to lose the positive spirit that had driven him into coming here in the first place. It felt less like the environment for his convalescence, and started to remind him of his dark, stuffy bedroom back in the mansion.

Even though Tsukiyama’s body had become stronger, and regular meals helped him regenerate, three years spent in numbness of depression left an impact on his mind. He was left more vulnerable, and easily upset, which in addition to his even previously complex and at times difficult character, caused him to be extremely sensitive to changes and inconveniences. It didn’t take much to trigger his bad mood.

Kanae noticed that his master looked somehow restless and anxious. However, he didn’t seem unwell, even though he was apathetic. His skin looked healthy, and he had appetite… just his eyes were dimmed, unfocused. He looked troubled.

The young ghoul tried to convinced himself that perhaps Tsukiyama is only bored, and entertaining him will shake him out of this. He played violin for him for a bit, but it seemed that Shuu wasn’t even listening, staring out of the window with an absent expression on his face, eyes following raindrops that ran down the panes. He tried to engage him into a conversation, but all he got were half-hearted, monosyllabic answers.

Right after dinner, as Tsukiyama curled up on the sofa in front of the fireplace, cup of coffee in his hands, Kanae made another attempt to lift his master’s mood. Throwing more wood into the fireplace, to keep the pleasant warmth, the boy sat on the sofa next to Shuu, forcing a smile upon his face, even though he was really worried by now.

“You used to like when it rained, remember master Shuu?” Kanae spoke softly, scooting a little closer to the older ghoul, “You would always go on a walk in the rain. Master Mirumo was scolding you for not taking the umbrella with you.” He hoped that the nice memory with at least make Shuu smile. Unfortunately, he was wrong. “Well, um… if you’re bored, we can do something together. Do you want to play cards? Or chess? Or you could tell me more about Italy… I would love to hear about the time you spent there.”

Again no answer.

“If… If you prefer to be alone, maybe you would like to read? I found some books in the attic too.” the young ghoul kept asking, brow furrowing slightly.

“I’m not bored.” Tsukiyama replied finally, setting his cup on the coffee table before he looked at Kanae. “I just… I… Kanae, I think we should go back home. We have been gone for a few days now, it’s… it’s too long… too long being away…” _Away from him, again. I’m too far away. He will forget, if I’m away, he will forget_.

Kanae felt uneasy, his master’s sudden anxiousness worrying him. Carefully, he put his hand atop Shuu’s own in a reassuring gesture.  
“Alright. Master Shuu, if you want to go back to Tokyo, we will. But we have to wait for a bit. We can’t go until it stops raining. We’re on the countryside, the roads are probably flooded as it rains for over a day now. When it stops, then we will go.” he said calmly.

“But… no, Kanae, we can’t wait that long. I… I waited three years, what if something happens while we’re gone, I can’t lose him now…” Tsukiyama’s hands started trembling, his voice unsteady, seeming more and more panicky with each sentence.

Kanae’s chest clenched painfully, unpleasant tension going through him. So _this_ was what it was all about… This is what it is _always_ about.

“I came here to get better so he remembers me… but he will forget even more if I’m not there. We wasted too much time here, we have to go back.” Shuu kept babbling, starting to breathe heavier.

_Wasted?_

This time here… was _wasted_ for him? For Kanae, that were the happiest days he could remember, but for Shuu… it was all waste?

The young ghoul could feel his heart breaking as his master spoke, each word pierced through his chest painfully. But even so, even while being pushed onto the second… no, onto the very last place, even then, Kanae couldn’t look away from his master’s despair, he couldn't turn his back to him, couldn’t stay indifferent to his pain. Even if he was in pain himself, it hurt him even more to see his master suffer. His own pain was nothing comparing.

“Master Shuu…” Kanae curled his arm around Tsukiyama’s shoulders, pulling him closer to let him lean against himself. His hands rubbed Shuu’s back soothingly, feeling the older ghoul’s body shivering despite the crackling fire. “Don’t worry, it’s alright.” Words barely making it past the knot in his throat, voice hushed and trembling, Kanae tried to find strength where he lacked it the most.

“But Kaneki-”

“No, shhh…” the boy kept calming his master down, “Everything will be alright. He won’t go anywhere. He was right there for three years, he has job, he’s not going anywhere, he will… wait for you. One more day won’t make a difference.”

Despite knowing it’s wrong, despite knowing it would only hurt his master more, Kanae wished his words weren’t true. He wished Haise Sasaki, Kaneki Ken, whoever the hell he was... he wished he could just _vanish_. But he knew he won’t. He knew he was telling the truth. He knew this all awaits back in Tokyo.

“Maybe go to sleep earlier tonight, hm?” Kanae offered, letting his master to nuzzle against his shoulder, “I will pour you a glass of wine, it will help you relax, and you will sleep better. How does that sound? And then, maybe you will sleep through the rain, and the weather will be nice again when you wake up. Then we will go back home, just like you wish.”

Tsukiyama’s hands clutched at Kanae’s shirt tightly, and he held onto him, trying to calm down. He closed his eyes, face pressed into the crook of the boy’s neck, and kept repeating his words in his mind. _Yes, I will just go sleep, and then we will go home. To Kaneki. Time will pass by quickly when I sleep. Maybe I will have a dream about Kaneki-kun. That would be nice… A nice dream…_

Kaneki was a lot like a dream.

During those three years, Tsukiyama dreamt about him sometimes, perhaps more often than he would really like to… those dreams were making him miss him that much more. Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure if the Kaneki he remembered was a real one, or that one from his dreams… It has been so long.

But when they will meet again, and Kaneki remembers… they will get to know each other all over again. And he will stop being so fleeting, so dreamy, so unreal… Will he? He will, right?

He will be different, though. It has been so long, he surely changed… But that’s alright. Shuu changed too, they can just start anew. Surely, Kaneki was always so good, whether he remembers him or not, he will give him a second chance.

But then again… is this how Kaneki really is, or is this how Shuu dreamt him to be? Is he good, and caring, and forgiving or is it how Shuu wants him to be? It’s hard to remember, it has been so long…

_Sorry. I can’t trust you after all. But if it’s possible, please continue to lend me your sword._

This was real, right? Not in a dream…?

Shuu wanted him to remember, but what if he remembers this too?

It will be alright. He’s good. And caring. And forgiving.

Is he?

_Is he? Is he? Is he? I don’t know. It has been so long. Everything changed so much. I don’t know what is real and what I dreamt. If only there was a constant in this exhausting madness, one thing, just one, in this chaos… chaos…_

He started trembling again, but Kanae’s arms were there to hold him, to soothe him. Always there to chase away bad dreams, always there to pull him out of nightmares. Good. Caring. Forgiving. _Real._

“Kanae-kun…” Tsukiyama’s voice was so quiet, barely more than a breath, “Why are you so good to me? Always…” He pulled away just slightly, his nose brushing along Kanae’s jaw. He wanted to feel something that was real, something more than a feverish fantasy that he had been holding onto for all those years.

He didn’t give the boy a chance to answer, capturing his lips with his own, stealing his breath away along with a gasp of surprise.

Kanae’s heart stopped for a moment, his hand pressing against Tsukiyama’s chest as he pushed him away.

“What are you doing?” the young ghoul asked breathily, his fingers clawing at the front of his master’s shirt, keeping him at distance. “D-Don’t touch me.”

He could hardly believe these words were leaving his mouth, but there it was. Perhaps his heart was broken one time too many times. Perhaps he was just getting hysterical because it was so hard, _too hard_ , to know that everything he had to give was never enough.

“I’m doing my best. I spent three years at your bed, but it was never enough. I couldn’t do what one picture of him did. I’m not delusional. I know I’m not him. So don’t make me your consolation prize. You don’t have to.”

Before he knew it, large, salty tears started rolling down his cheeks. He swallowed them in between whimpers as he spoke.

“You don’t have to manipulate me into loyalty with empty affection. I love you. Unfortunately for me, I do.”

Kanae’s hand clutched at Tsukiyama’s shirt even tighter for a second, just before he let go, and angrily wiping off his tears, left the room.

 

* * *

 

If Shuu was numb and absent-minded before, then now he has completely lost himself. He hasn’t moved since Kanae left, staring into the fire for hours. Sun has set, covering the whole house in darkness, except for this one spot of golden, shimmering light around the fireplace. It was silent, crackling of the fire and steady whisper of the falling rain melting into one, distant noise.

His thoughts consumed him, he couldn’t make them stop. There were so many, racing through his head, one chasing another, appearing suddenly, and vanishing in an instant, before he had a chance to focus on any of them. But gradually, as time passed and he started to calm down, it seemed that this tired mind gave him a rest, while in reality it just slowed down to even better torment him with memories, thoughts, dreams…

He reached out past the delusion of the years of his depression, and tried to remember, clearly, this time, how it was before. He wanted to find the strongest, and most vivid memories, those that affected him the most, those that made him _feel_ the most, in order to put this all together in his head somehow.

This taste…

Like nothing he ever had before. Extraordinary, exquisite… this wonderful smell, intoxicating flavour. That was really something…

And then… it was somehow clouded by other feelings, almost equally strong, definitely strong enough to make this taste something secondary. A little girl with flower in her hair, her smile. Books, and coffees, and this house.Training together, and common purpose, and friendship, being wanted, no… _needed_ , and dagger underneath his pillow, and trust…

But there was no trust.

_Tsukiyama-san… Sorry. I can’t trust you after all._

If there was no trust, were those other things real or not? He thought they were. They were for him. Maybe he just romanticized it in his head. Maybe he just wanted it to be true too much...

But there was also more to it than that. Sleepless nights away from home, dangerous raids, leaving the mansion for days, and Kanae in worry. Losing interest in everything except for the affairs with Kaneki’s group. Annihilating others like him, those he knew, some of which used to be guests in his house, and their mistake was that they were at the Restaurant that day when he lead Kaneki inside. His young servant’s tears, and his own calming words that it will be alright, spoken in hurry, thrown over his shoulder just before he was leaving again.

But it wasn’t alright. Eventually, on this one night, he didn’t come back home. He was _brought_ back in a state of misery that shut him off from everything and everyone. And only Kanae stubbornly refused to stay outside the wall that Shuu created around himself. Because he loved him.

He knew how it felt. He knew rejection too. How it felt to be excluded, and pushed away, and never _good enough_ , not given the courtesy of trusts after proving over and over…

_Oh…_

The irony, and realization of what he had become, almost made him laugh. Small, breathy, pathetic little laugh pushed itself past Tsukiyama’s lips.

 

* * *

 

Kanae couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t the first time he would cry himself to sleep, but now, no matter how tired it made him, he couldn’t fall asleep. His room was chilly due to the weather change, and he lay under thick duvet, shivering slightly, both from cold and little sobs that kept escaping him.

He regretted everything he said to master Shuu. But he also knew that if he wouldn’t have said it, and just let him kiss him instead, he would regret it even more. He could still feel this kiss on his lips, he could feel how toxic it was, but at the same time he wish he could just give in, and let it burn him. Refusing him was so difficult. He almost didn’t want to do it, he almost wanted to throw away the last bits of dignity he had, and let his master lie to him, feed him with fake love, and second-hand affection.

Now that he tossed and turned in bed, Kanae didn’t even know why he hadn’t let him… Maybe because this was the only thing he actually had control over. Among the impossible choices he had to make, and the burden thrown upon his shoulders that was too heavy for him, and the loyalty that his heart refused to abjure, perhaps he desperately needed to have a say in something.

_Scheiße._

He couldn’t sleep. Tossing the duvet away in frustration, Kanae got up from bed and left his bedroom, with intention to make himself a strong cup of coffee. Feet shuffling quietly through the carpeted corridor, the boy walked past the living room, stopping as he saw Tsukiyama still sitting in front of the fireplace, empty eyes staring into space. It hurt him to see him like this, the last thing he wanted was for his master to be unhappy. He couldn’t help it, his heart was always speaking louder than his reason.

Without thinking twice, the boy approached Tsukiyama, and sat at beside him at the edge of the sofa. His gentle, delicate palm rested atop the older ghoul’s shoulder, and he rubbed it soothingly.

“Don’t be sad, master Shuu. I will take you back to Tokyo in the morning, whether it still rains or not. I promise.” he said calmly, quietly. Kanae already accepted it, just like many other things, it just couldn’t be helped.

Shuu looked up at him, mulling the words over in his head for a moment before he answered, “No, we won’t be coming back now.”

Kanae sighed, not even fooling himself that his master meant it. He just felt guilty perhaps, but it will only last for a moment.

“I don’t want you to be unhappy, master Shuu.”

“Who says I will be happy if we go back? I thought I will but… I used to think many things that were not true.” Tsukiyama spoke in small voice, “So much changed… I’m not sure of anything anymore. Except… I know that for those past days that we spent here, I was not unhappy. I felt really good. I didn’t feel this good in a very long time. It’s not worth being thrown away for something that may not be what I wish… what I dreamt it to be.”

Kanae said nothing to that. He learnt not to hope, not to believe. Over time, he just got used to being disappointed. He wanted to give his master a moment to think of what he had just said, and realize it was nonsense. But instead, Tsukiyama kept talking, his words seeming more confident, and his voice stronger.

“You devoted your life to me. When I couldn’t, or didn’t want to, show gratitude, you still were by my side, no matter how I acted, no matter what I have done. I acted as if there was nothing to live for anymore, selfishly blind, I couldn't see I was your everything. It must have been hard, and hurtful, and yet…” He swallowed, pausing for a brief moment, “You didn’t hesitate to sacrifice everything else for me. Now I want to make this sacrifice back. For this whole time, my despair was a nightmare… but yours was real. I think it’s time for me to wake up.”

“What do you mean?” Kanae’s heart tried to brace itself with all its might, his words cautious and uncertain.

“I mean… when we will be going back to Tokyo, it will be only so that I can take you to see Die Zauberflöte in the opera.”

Whatever protective facade Kanae managed to build around himself, it fell to pieces in that moment. _The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing_. Kanae trusted his master. Despite everything, with all his heart, he trusted him.

Shedding exhausted, childish tears, Kanae let himself hide against Tsukiyama’s chest, clutching at his shoulders and soaking his clothes as he cried. For once, he let go, finally, and allowed himself to rest in the older ghoul’s embrace that he had missed so much.

They stayed like this all night, silent apart from the boy’s quiet sobbing, until they fell asleep at dawn, on the floor in front of the fireplace, cushions from the sofa tucked under their heads, one blanket draped over their shoulders.

 


	6. Just Desserts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6 ❈ Food ❈

Shaken and exhausted, they slept past noon. Shuu finally got some peace of mind, and felt safer, and Kanae was just so tired that he couldn’t stay awake if he wanted to. He would think that it was all a dream, similar to many others he had for those past long years. But there was a subtle difference.

Usually, Kanae would wake up from such dream with a smile on his face, only to be disappointed, and even more upset, once the haze of sleep would leave his mind, and he would remember that none of it was true.

But this time, his master’s hand was there to remind him that all of it really happened, holding his own palm softly for the whole time as they slept, their fingers laced together.

Thier sleep was deep because they were just so very tired and drained, but deep inside they knew this didn’t mean everything will magically be alright now. Kanae still had doubts, he feared being hurt again. After years of rejection, and so many times being proven that he’s not good enough, was it really possible for him to let it all go within a minute?

Real trust isn’t believing that the other person won’t hurt you. It is to freely give them the power to do so. And so Kanae gave in. No matter how this will end, he decided he will let it happen.

Tsukiyama was both anxious and thrilled. It felt so odd to let go of something he was hung up on for such a long time, somehow it felt as if he shouldn’t do it, as if it was foolish, as if the sky would crumble and fall into pieces because of this. And yet, it also felt as if something new and exciting was to come, as if his heart was lighter. It was like finishing a book you really liked, the strange nostalgia after reading the last page and closing it, when you just sit with it on your lap of a moment, and the world around you suddenly becomes too real.

But there are many more new stories to come, and if you reach out towards the bookshelf and choose just right, you may find the one that will be even better.

None of this was easy, none of it was simple, it wasn’t a case of throwing the past behind them, because they knew it may never go away, and stain their hearts forever. But even so, they held each other’s hands, and silently promised that with all imperfections, and doubts, and stained hearts, they will try to make it work.

Kanae woke up first, sand underneath his eyelids from crying so much, and not sleeping nearly enough; cheeks still damp with tears. The fire was still going, keeping them warm as they lay on the floor in front of the fireplace, thick, soft carpet making it a little less uncomfortable.

A thunder rumbled in the distance, and the boy glanced sleepily towards the window, to see that it was still raining heavily, lightnings causing the sky to crack every now and then. It made him a little nervous. Won’t master Shuu be upset after all, that they cannot go back to Tokyo yet?

He didn’t have to wait for his answer too long, as Tsukiyama stirred and started waking up moments later. To Kanae’s slight relief, he didn’t even care to look and see how is the weather. Instead, with half-lidded, drowsy eyes, Tsukiyama gazed at the young ghoul next to him.

Neither of them said a word.

What could have possibly been said in such moment? Declarations have been already made the night before, no more words were needed now. Now it was time to act on them, and don’t let the promises turn out empty.

Kanae felt his master’s hand against his cheek, thumb wiping away salty dampness of his tears. The gesture made him feel like crying again, he was both happy and scared, hopeful and uncertain. But he just sniffled, letting master Shuu’s tender hand chase the tears and doubts away, even just for a moment.

“Did you sleep well?” Tsukiyama asked finally, voice hushed and soft.

“No. Did you?”

“No."

Silence again, a longer pause filled with just crackling of the fire, raindrops clinging to windowpanes, and sleepy sighs.

“Do you want to get up and have coffee?” This time it was Kanae who asked, in a slightly hoarse whisper.

“No. Do you?”

“No.”

Tension was marking their words, desperate need to break it somehow almost palpable in the air. Their heartbeats were too loud in their ears, pressure in their chests causing breaths to come out shaky and uneven.

Tsukiyama knew he may be pushed away if he tries this again, but as they say, third time’s a charm. Without hesitating further, he leaned in and pressed a hesitant, tender kiss to Kanae’s lips. He didn’t try to steal it this time, take it as something he deserved to have, something he wanted out of impulse. This time his lips silently asked for it, almost shyly begging for acceptance, and perhaps even forgiveness.

And this time Kanae allowed him, parting his lips, and returning the kiss, feeling his whole body relax suddenly, as if he was just give a medicine for poisonous venom that was killing him slowly for this whole time.

The young ghoul’s arms wrapped around Shuu’s shoulders, hands clawing at the back of his shirt, clinging onto it tightly. His lower lip trembled as his master brushed away the violet strands that clung to his face, and pressed a thumb against his chin, encouraging him to open up more for him. And Kanae did, letting Tsukiyama drink from his lips as much as he wanted, and offering himself for Kanae to taste in return.

If Kaneki was his drug, a forbidden fruit, addictive and intoxicating, then Kanae was a remedy, soothing syrup to stop the burning in his throat. He tasted pure, subtle, like warm summer rain, and comfort of a home cooked meal.

And unlike that first time when they kissed in the greenhouse, Kanae could no longer taste pity, nor the bitterness of his jealousy. This time it was sweet, and honest, and he knew it can satisfy his heart’s hunger.

There was no desperation in this kiss, surprisingly, it wasn’t hectic or too eager. It seeped from their lips lazily, their breaths thick and heavy like wine, soft tongues catching luscious drops of sleep still lingering above them, coating them in sweet haze of a dream.

But it wasn’t a dream, and there was no risk of being left with sour aftertaste of disappointment. That was the true gourmet food, a real flavour of love and trust.

Their noses brushed together when the kiss broke, but they refused to pull away, their lips still touching, feather-light and trembling. Kanae’s fingers went numb from clutching onto Shuu’s shirt so tightly, but he let go now, allowing his hands wander over his master’s broad shoulders as he held him close.

It didn’t bother them to remain silent. There were moments sometimes when words were like spice, and too much could spoil the otherwise perfectly balanced taste. Instead, they spoke wordlessly in hushed breaths, warm against each other’s reddened lips; and in gentle touches, reassuring looks, shy smiles, and fluttering heartbeats.

Kanae shivered slightly, and he felt like crying again, just because it was so much to comprehend. But single tear barely had a chance to swell in the corner of his eye, and Shuu’s lips were there to kiss it away, and his strong arms pulled the boy closer to keep him warm. But Kanae was not shivering from cold, it was the taste of their kiss that caused electric sparks dance along his spine, exploding underneath his skin in a rush of pleasant tingling.

Their intimacy was still new and clumsy, almost shy, fingertips exploring softness of skin and hair, small, lazy kisses sealing each shared touch. Shuu’s warm lips wandered slowly from the corner of Kanae’s mouth to then climb along his jawline, leaving a trail of delicate pecks. When those lips pressed a kiss to a sensitive spot below his ear, Kanae instinctively tilted his head to the side, exposing his neck and inviting his master to taste more of him.

When Shuu caught Kanae’s earlobe between his lips, the boy started giggling breathily, “If you’re hungry I will go fix you some breakfast.”

“Hmm, no, I will skip breakfast today and go straight for dessert.” Tsukiyama murmured, chuckling as well, as he nipped at the soft lobe.

Laughter made the last bits of their sleepiness go away, Kanae squirming a little as his master’s kisses tickled his neck. “Don’t nip at me, it tickles.” the boy complained, dimples forming in his cheeks as he smiled.

“Oh, but you’re so tasty, a real treat.” the older ghoul teased, giving a couple more nips before pulling away, propping himself on one elbow to look down at his servant.

“How tasty?” Kanae asked, his chuckles fading away. He was still smiling, but his voice got somehow more serious.

Shuu knew what this was about, and he let his own smile soften, before he pecked the boy’s lips sweetly, tenderly, “Like nothing I ever had.”

 

* * *

 

Who knew how long they lay there. The gray, cloudy, rainy sky behind the windows couldn’t be any indicator whether it was still day or evening, or maybe even nighttime already. Perhaps the fire, gradually getting smaller, could tell about passing time, but they threw in more wood some time before, and it once again filled the room with shimmering, gold warmth. But they weren’t counting minutes, their lips and hands too busy, their thoughts captured within the smallest of worlds, that had borders made of laughs, and kisses, and curling toes.

They already seen each other’s nearly bare bodies on the beach, but now, as hands shyly crept underneath the clothing, it felt like discovering something new, uncovering something different. Muscles of Kanae’s stomach tensed a little as he felt Tsukiyama’s hand sneaking underneath his pyjama shirt, brushing over his skin, fingers slowly popping the buttons open.

“Don’t look at me like that.” the boy blushed, pressing a hand against his chest modestly, “It’s embarrassing.”

“I already saw you on the beach, why would you be shy?” Shuu chuckled, pressing soothing kisses along Kanae’s collarbone.

“But this is different…” Kanae answered uncertainly.

“How is it different?”

“I don’t know, it just is…”

“You know, when you were not looking, I drew many sketches of you the other day. I can assure you I know very nearly every inch of you by now.” Shuu smiled, running his fingers over the boy’s hip, and up along the slight curve of his waist.

“Why must you embarrass me like that?” Kanae whined quietly, tilting his head so that his fringe would fall over his face and hide him from his master’s eyes. It also served a purpose of hiding a content little smile, that he couldn’t suppress.

“Because you’re even more beautiful when you blush.” Tsukiyama replied, curling Kanae’s hair behind his ear.

“Am not…” the young ghoul tried to protest, but wide smile finally won over his false modesty, “Am I, really?”

As an answer, another kiss was given, tender and sweet, and Kanae’s chest fluttered with joy. His hand cupped his master’s cheek, and he ran his fingers along the sharp line of his jaw. Kanae wasn’t the only one who grew up during those past years, and he thought that if possible, master Shuu was now even more handsome.

Kanae’s palms found their way under Tsukiyama’s shirt as well, fingers grazing over the soft trail of hair below his navel. In those silly little touches, in between those warm breaths and sighs, Shuu’s lips wandered to the raspberry pink flesh of Kanae’s nipple, causing the boy to call him a pervert as he nuzzled into the crook of his neck. At the same time his toes curled against the fabric of his master’s pants, and he tugged them down slightly as he stretched out his legs.

“That’s indecent.” the boy breathed out when his own pants were pulled down, Tsukiyama’s fingers gathering the slick nectar from the tip of his cock, before he sucked them into his mouth. He tasted his flavour with a hum, letting it cascade over his tongue, subtle and delicate, and delightful.

“That’s prudish.” Shuu retorted, feeling Kanae’s legs closing, mocking modesty as the boy trapped his erection between his thighs with a smirk.

They felt alive, pleasant touches and affections causing their blood to rush faster, their hearts to beat almost painfully hard, their breathing to speed up. Shuu didn’t feel anything like this in years, it made him dizzy to have his mind awake from numbness and fall straight into a cocktail of endorphins that he drank from the cup of Kanae’s parted lips.

The young servant’s virgin body arched and writhed, as he accommodated at first one, and then two of his master’s fingers within himself. Like alcohol, this touch was making him feel warm inside, and the heat spread from his lower stomach through his whole body, to the tips of his fingers that left burning red lines across Tsukiyama’s back.

Kanae’s innocence was taken, consumed and savoured. Tsukiyama tasted him bit by bit, as he moved inside him, swallowing his muffled, shaky cries within his soothing kisses, licking off drops of sweat that bloomed on his skin, and offering himself in return, as the young ghoul bit down onto his lower lip.

Hair were falling into their eyes, skin on knees and backs burning as it rubbed against the carpet, Shuu’s hipbones digging into Kanae’s thighs, and the boy’s legs getting numb as he lifted them higher. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t like in romantic novels, or poems, or love songs. But they loved it that way, because it wasn’t something you imagine and dream of, it was real. You don’t dream about hard, uncomfortable floor underneath you, nor a bruise on the inside of your thigh; bloody lip after biting too hard, nor the dryness in your throat after someone’s name leaves you for a hundredth time.

Dreams are made of delusions and false hopes, and this was flesh and blood. Neither of them perfect, but both of them real, with arms eager to hold, and lips willing to kiss, and hearts ready to vow. Together, to the end of the world.

When it was over, their muscles were sore, sweet, sticky syrup of their passion covered their skin, dripping over Kanae’s thighs. The fire finally faded out, leaving them shaking not only from exhaustion but also cold. Fingers buried in Tsukiyama’s tangled, damp hair, scratching lazily, and his head rested against his chest, Kanae closed his eyes and listened to his master’s gradually calming heartbeat.

Shuu’s palms rubbed the boy’s shoulders and back to keep him warm, their touch tender, as if the boy was something fragile, ready to break if he won’t be careful. Perhaps the feeling he had at first, the anxious feeling that sky may crumble because of his decisions, was not about a sky at all. Lost in whispered affections and promises, in delicate after-care kisses, interrupted by sleepy yawns, they didn’t even notice when it stopped raining.

Rainbow appeared on the sky, bowing over the beach, but they didn’t see it, busy discovering moles on each other’s skins, fingers tracing and connecting them into nameless constellations. Afternoon sun spied on them through the window, tickling them with its warm light, peeking to see their tangled legs and dreamy eyes, hoping to lure them outside.

Kanae sat up slightly, blanket draped over his hips loosely, and he rubbed his eye with the back of his hand. “Master Shuu, it stopped raining.” he said quietly, making a longer pause before asking, “Are you sure you don’t want to go back to Tokyo?”

“What for?” Tsukiyama asked, pressing a kiss to the back of Kanae’s neck and pulling him back down onto the floor.

The boy flashed a wide smile towards the sun just before he fell into his master’s waiting arms.

  
THE END


End file.
